November 16, 2015

About me:  I am the type of person who wears my emotions on my sleeve.

My first post in this blog was an extended, "about me" but for those of you who don't know me, the sentence above is another important fact. When I hear that phrase I don't necessarily think good things... my first thought is not, "strength." While I don't think it is something I have developed, it has always been true, of even my tiniest self, I do think this trait has changed as I've lived.

In 2007, my beautiful, gracious, open-minded, non-judgmental mother, passed away.

Paula Hunnicutt-Rapczynski 1959-2007

I was 20. In college. Thanksgiving break. November 16th, 2007.

My world was frozen in time but everything around me rushed on, and it was completely surreal and nauseating. Speaking, even formulating complete thoughts was a struggle. Looking back, it's hard to develop a mental timeline of events after I was told, because I was in a wind tunnel and wearing blinders.

Some things I do remember: My sweet stepmom holding my hand and walking me to bed the first night-- moving from my spot on the couch may not have occurred to me, otherwise. My amazing friend Kaitlin accepting the news in a phone call and agreeing without hesitation to notify the rest of my friends--I couldn't bare to have that conversation again. My blessing of a dad, taking me shopping for a funeral dress... and underwear-- I hadn't been home to pack. My wonderful friend, Brittany showing up at my parents house in what seemed like 30 seconds... and taking me to get ice cream-- we didn't know what else to do. My precious baby brother, then 2, saying, "it's okay, Shayla"--leaking life and light into my darkest moment.

Last night, I recounted these events with my darling, Patrick. He has not dealt with the loss of a loved one, and if there was anything I could possibly do in this world to keep it that way, I would go to the end of the earth to do it. My best attempt to explain a tragic loss to him was something like this:

Life becomes incredibly long, and impossibly short all at once.

I think about the number of years I will live without my mama and the thought leaves me gasping for air... I think about how much can be snatched from me at any moment, and my years feel so few... This life feels short, and sitting still seems impossible.

This world is so filled with tragedy, overflowing with heartache and loss. After seeing it first hand, every story I hear nicks the wound my experience inflicted, and I know, the wound will never heal.

Somehow, those nicks are the blessing... the good that has come of this thing that still feels so bad. Those nicks are a new, recreated empathy in my heart. Every story of loss reminds me, not only of the pain, but also that I'm still standing... that I made it out of the wind tunnel because something pulled me through. That something was my sweet stepmom, my amazing, wonderful friends, my blessing of a dad, and my precious baby brother... and that is just to name a few of the gifts in my life, a fraction of the love I am surrounded by. I am okay, because there is something in this world for me to live for... someone in this world that felt enough of my pain, to reach out to me and help me defrost my reality.

Let's allow ourselves to feel the pain of those who have lost someone they love, in Paris, or anywhere else in the world. Let's find empathy. Let's show love.

Introduction To The Kind of Stuff I'm Gonna Say

Here’s a brief introduction to me, and to the subject of sports psychology as I see it:

As a teenager I started scribbling down notes whenever I had a thought about life, love, dreams, sports, movies, music, you name it. I would keep notebooks, journals, scraps of paper,always thinking, "Someday I will use these ideas for something." As I've grown older it bothers me more and more. Like, these are pretty good thoughts sometimes, and no one else even knows I've had them! So, about a month ago I conjured up the idea of focusing the things I write down into something coherent. After all this time, I have to admit, I am a little underwhelmed at my own creative prowess. I mean, obvs, a blog. Amiright? Fortunately, for all you health, fitness and sports enthusiasts most of what's running through this brain of mine has to do with those things. Specifically, the psychology behind those things.

So a little about me: I was born and raised in suburban Colorado and then ventured out to a foreign city for college, Boulder. I’m kidding, it was a 20 minute drive from my parents’ house, but it felt super foreign in a lot of ways. The residents tend to have extreme liberal political and social viewpoints as well as the money to live a lifestyle encompassing these sometimes outlandish values. If you know Boulder, the fact I lived there for five years may tell you everything you need to know to decide whether to continue reading. Admittedly, I am kind of a hippie, I won’t even play. Now I live in Chicago, Illinois. It is a change. Let's just say that. If you aren't familiar with either city, let me give you a little example of how they differ. Yesterday, I went to the major grocery store chain, Jewel Osco. Normally, I would bring reusable shopping bags with me, but I failed. I purchased about $30 worth of groceries and the bagger provided me with about 30 plastic bags. I told a friend about this (he still lives in Colorado), and he said, "That's funny it's like the exact opposite here. If you get plastic bags everybody just looks at you like, 'really bro?'" In fact, I'm pretty sure they charge you if you don't bring your own bags in Boulder, is that right? Anyway, Boulder residents have also been recognized nationwide for their dedication to active, healthy lifestyles, something I pride myself on maintaining as well. I believe in making physical activity and clean eating a way of life rather than an obligation to be fulfilled for 30 minutes a day. This is a value I plan to represent in this blog in addition to providing insight into making this type of lifestyle manageable through incorporating psychological concepts and ideas.

My bachelor's degree from The University of Colorado, Boulder, is in Psychology and Neuroscience and I am currently working on a Master's in Counseling Psychology. Here is my tentative plan: (1) Finish this degree and then work in private practice/in a hospital with individuals, families, and couples. (2) Write and research sports and fitness psychology (whilst simultaneously maintaining a healthy lifestyle with fit foods and plenty of physical activity, but of course). (3) When I can afford it, go back to school and do research on sports and fitness psychology. (4) Ultimate goal: work for a NCAA or NBA basketball team as a staff psychologist.

All that being said, I will use this blog as a way to manage my everyday thoughts and feelings about current events and topics in the sports and fitness world, and HOPEFULLY foster some sort of dialogue in this respect. I am incredibly interested in the United States Culture of sports, fitness, active lifestyles, athletics, and food and the way all of those topics influence and are influenced by our mental states and ways of thinking and feeling. So, if you share my interest in this subject matter, or even if you disagree with an opinion or idea I write about, I would love to hear from you! Please leave comments and links, and most importantly, suggestions for further research and discussion. Look for my post on Sunday morning, I'm talking a bit about the Broncos and the playoffs!